@AbrasiveGhost: Search History:
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
@AbrasiveGhost: [Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don't u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@AbrasiveGhost: HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING
@AbrasiveGhost: ME: What's this bit here?
NURSE: ...his heart
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it