Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbrasiveGhost's best tweets

@AbrasiveGhost : Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan Me: howabout a big funnel S: why would that help M: u know, to like, guide it here

@AbrasiveGhost: [starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

@AbrasiveGhost: Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

@AbrasiveGhost: [Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don't u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

@AbrasiveGhost: HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING

@AbrasiveGhost: ME: What's this bit here?

NURSE: ...his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things