Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbrasiveGhost's best tweets

@AbrasiveGhost : [Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that? Me in super frilly tux: Nope *Dog walks in also wearing tux*

@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don't u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

@AbrasiveGhost: HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]


@AbrasiveGhost: ME: What's this bit here?

NURSE: ...his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button


ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

@AbrasiveGhost: [Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

@AbrasiveGhost: [at wife's funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom