The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’