No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.