There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers