I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.