I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus