I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts