[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.