Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight