Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Jogging
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs