ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”