“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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