My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged