[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand