In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*