My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
A leaf blower, but for people.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior