That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
You Might Also Like
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….