ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…