Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Being brave is overrated. Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@AimeeHelene1: I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like "What's your favorite color?" or "Where is your belly button?".

@AimeeHelene1: At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I'm in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

@AimeeHelene1: *sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today...
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says "Carol"*

@AimeeHelene1: My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that's just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside*
"What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?"
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

@AimeeHelene1: Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I'm going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

@AimeeHelene1: To the person that put "SMILE" as their name on the printer... I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog...

Because:
1. Aww your dog's calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!