Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident... Mall Santa: Uhhh, that's not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma'am. *security drags me away* Me: *yells* Don't forget to take a picture!

@AimeeHelene1: I haven't ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@AimeeHelene1: *getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma'am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

@AimeeHelene1: At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

@AimeeHelene1: Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

@AimeeHelene1: Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things...

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

@AimeeHelene1: How we're different...

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@AimeeHelene1: Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *parks in "pregnant women only" parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you're going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@AimeeHelene1: How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*