mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds