Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
just pretend nothing happened
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.