*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
bout dat hot dog summer
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways