People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth