There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dune (2021)
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.