Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.