After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick