Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AlexRogaski's best tweets

@AlexRogaski : *lifts 10 pound weight* Nice. *adds "salmon" to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@AlexRogaski: The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@AlexRogaski: [2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@AlexRogaski: Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@AlexRogaski: [Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back "what's up"

@AlexRogaski: Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I'll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I'm gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

@AlexRogaski: Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

@AlexRogaski: [Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check

"Let's do it"

@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm]

Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it's February*

OH SHIT

@AlexRogaski: [God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.