I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.