Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.