Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AlexvanBeek's best tweets

@AlexvanBeek : Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

@AlexvanBeek: EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@AlexvanBeek: [10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

@AlexvanBeek: Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."

@AlexvanBeek: It's 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

@AlexvanBeek: The time for being a smartass isn't when someone is in a murderous rage. There's a discreet unmarked grave out there that'll attest to that.

@AlexvanBeek: A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@AlexvanBeek: Don't bore a girl by saying she's beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.