The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?