[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”