*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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Who chose this font
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me as a parent
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
finally
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I didn’t come here to be called names
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My dog ate my work from home.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The best shot in the history of golf
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.