GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
c’mon!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.