“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside