None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
twitter users today:
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
saving face 👀
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.