Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Quadruple digit IQ
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Every house has this drawer
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses