Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die