Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.