Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
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I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then