My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.