Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
it be like that
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.