OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Just say no
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude