Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmberTozer's best tweets

@AmberTozer : English husband: How's it going in America Me: People are shooting at the weather

@AmberTozer: Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn't say shit like that

@AmberTozer: If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@AmberTozer: Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@AmberTozer: Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

@AmberTozer: Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them

@AmberTozer: If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally

@AmberTozer: [Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It's Throwback Thursday

@AmberTozer: Lately I've been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

@AmberTozer: "Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you" - my fashion blog