Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
You Might Also Like
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.