Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Amburglar_'s best tweets

@Amburglar_ : I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.

@Amburglar_: "Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you."
"Is the male lead obsessed with me?"
"Yes."
"I'll do it."

@Amburglar_: Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on "Pitch Perfect" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

@Amburglar_: Ugh don't you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@Amburglar_: This is the hardest I've laughed all morning:

@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."

@Amburglar_: If someone came to my door & said "We'll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink." I'd be living large.

@Amburglar_: Just think: right now, your body is cookin' up some poop.

@Amburglar_: According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@Amburglar_: Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.