@AmericanGent69: My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she's using it.
@AmericanGent69: Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It's either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
@AmericanGent69: Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
@AmericanGent69: Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
@AmericanGent69: *slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
@AmericanGent69: *security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
@AmericanGent69: If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
@AmericanGent69: As a kid I'd watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I'm like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
@AmericanGent69: Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.