@AmericanGent69: [Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

@AmericanGent69: Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

@AmericanGent69: Friend: I'm so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

@AmericanGent69: Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@AmericanGent69: Saw a store that has a sign that reads, "We treat you like family!"

Yup, NOT going in there.

@AmericanGent69: Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

@AmericanGent69: {response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

@AmericanGent69: Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

@AmericanGent69: Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness...
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.