Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmericanGent69's best tweets

@AmericanGent69 : 4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute 40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@AmericanGent69: {playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He's eating again!

@AmericanGent69: Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@AmericanGent69: Co-Worker: Poor John has been single forever. We should set him up.

Me: *hiding cocaine and a gun in his office desk* I’m on it.

@AmericanGent69: Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

@AmericanGent69: Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@AmericanGent69: {after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

@AmericanGent69: Me: I'm nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What's something you're proud of?
Me: I invented milk

@AmericanGent69: Me: Powers out. I'll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn't spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

@AmericanGent69: Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you