Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmericanGent69's best tweets

@AmericanGent69 : Wife: You won’t believe this... Me: *steadies eyes* Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting... Me: *narrows eyes* Wife: ...well he asked about my marriage... Me: *squints* Wife: He was flirting... Me: *eyes close completely* Wife: Now don’t get mad Me: *snoring*

@AmericanGent69: {First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@AmericanGent69: *answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

@AmericanGent69: David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@AmericanGent69: 4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@AmericanGent69: {playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He's eating again!

@AmericanGent69: Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@AmericanGent69: Co-Worker: Poor John has been single forever. We should set him up.

Me: *hiding cocaine and a gun in his office desk* I’m on it.

@AmericanGent69: Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?