Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmericanGent69's best tweets

@AmericanGent69 : Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

@AmericanGent69: Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@AmericanGent69: {after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

@AmericanGent69: Me: I'm nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What's something you're proud of?
Me: I invented milk

@AmericanGent69: Me: Powers out. I'll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn't spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

@AmericanGent69: Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

@AmericanGent69: Wife: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@AmericanGent69: {during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@AmericanGent69: Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

@AmericanGent69: {emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok