Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmericanGent69's best tweets

@AmericanGent69 : {during sex} Her: are you eating a taco? Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@AmericanGent69: Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

@AmericanGent69: {emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@AmericanGent69: If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

@AmericanGent69: Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You're probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

@AmericanGent69: My 4 year old niece won't eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

@AmericanGent69: {on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren't you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I'm not a Doctor

@AmericanGent69: *lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How'd you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

@AmericanGent69: {last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my...
Judas: Ok ok that's enough!