@AmericanGent69: I'm at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I'd be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

@AmericanGent69: {first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

@AmericanGent69: Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

@AmericanGent69: {at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

@AmericanGent69: {In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@AmericanGent69: *Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

@AmericanGent69: Wife: You won’t believe this...
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting...
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: ...well he asked about my marriage...
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting...
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

@AmericanGent69: {First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@AmericanGent69: *answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.