Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmishPornStar1's best tweets

@AmishPornStar1 : When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment... $85 When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot... Priceless.

@AmishPornStar1: Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys...

@AmishPornStar1: Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

@AmishPornStar1: Diets are for people who can't afford to buy bigger clothes.

@AmishPornStar1: “YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

@AmishPornStar1: Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It's not a bad story.

Me: No, I'm just really sorry I had to hear it.

@AmishPornStar1: If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes...

My wife is available.

@AmishPornStar1: Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.