@AmishPornStar1: “YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
@AmishPornStar1: Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I'm so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It's not a bad story.
Me: No, I'm just really sorry I had to hear it.
@AmishPornStar1: If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes...
My wife is available.
@AmishPornStar1: Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
@AmishPornStar1: Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must've REALLY hated his wife.
@AmishPornStar1: How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?