Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmishPornStar1's best tweets

@AmishPornStar1 : If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@AmishPornStar1: Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@AmishPornStar1: I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@AmishPornStar1: See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya maƱana, little iguana.

@AmishPornStar1: According to all these BMI charts...

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@AmishPornStar1: "Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I'm headed to the bar."

@AmishPornStar1: Me: Ooh, I'd love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I've got really bad teeth.

@AmishPornStar1: I long for the days when waking up with a "stiff one" wasn't referring to my lower back.

@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

@AmishPornStar1: "Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations."

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving