Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmishPornStar1's best tweets

@AmishPornStar1 : When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans... Y’know, to buy myself some time.

@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se...I just really need the paychecks.

@AmishPornStar1: If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

@AmishPornStar1: When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment...

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot...

Priceless.

@AmishPornStar1: Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys...

@AmishPornStar1: Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

@AmishPornStar1: Diets are for people who can't afford to buy bigger clothes.

@AmishPornStar1: “YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning