@AmishPornStar1: Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
@AmishPornStar1: I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
@AmishPornStar1: See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
@AmishPornStar1: According to all these BMI charts...
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
@AmishPornStar1: "Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I'm headed to the bar."
@AmishPornStar1: Me: Ooh, I'd love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I've got really bad teeth.
@AmishPornStar1: I long for the days when waking up with a "stiff one" wasn't referring to my lower back.
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
@AmishPornStar1: "Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations."
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving