Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmishPornStar1's best tweets

@AmishPornStar1 : Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

@AmishPornStar1: Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there...

It was the bathroom...but still...

@AmishPornStar1: Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”...

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

@AmishPornStar1: Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves...

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@AmishPornStar1: The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@AmishPornStar1: Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

@AmishPornStar1: Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water...

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

@AmishPornStar1: *gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

@AmishPornStar1: *me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

@AmishPornStar1: I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind...I got it.