Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Very good! 👍😂
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs