Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@AmnesiaRose : Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty"
-me as a hypnotist
@AmnesiaRose: *knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand
*answers her alarm clock, "hello?"
@AmnesiaRose: I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.
@AmnesiaRose: "You snooze, you lose."
@AmnesiaRose: Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
@AmnesiaRose: *gets stabbed
"Omg that knife was clean right??"
@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
@AmnesiaRose: *walks in on home intruder
"omg please don't look at the dust!"
@AmnesiaRose: According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat