Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmnesiaRose's best tweets

@AmnesiaRose : Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.

@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty"

-me as a hypnotist

@AmnesiaRose: *knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand

*answers her alarm clock, "hello?"

@AmnesiaRose: I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@AmnesiaRose: "You snooze, you lose."

-competitive insomniacs

@AmnesiaRose: Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.

@AmnesiaRose: *gets stabbed

"Omg that knife was clean right??"

@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."

@AmnesiaRose: *walks in on home intruder

"omg please don't look at the dust!"

@AmnesiaRose: According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat