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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single