@Amusitr0n: grandmas are always like "not enough meat on your bones" the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
@Amusitr0n: You, watching the (...) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful
Me: Ham sanitizer
@Amusitr0n: Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
"Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid"
*other hooded figures pop out*
"It's Friday night"
@Amusitr0n: It's freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
@Amusitr0n: *bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
@Amusitr0n: [shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
@Amusitr0n: My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
@Amusitr0n: Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.